The Doctor's Answering Machine
by Scarlet Phlame
Summary: Hello, this is the Doctor! I'm currently out closing rifts and fighting Zygons offscreen, so please leave a message at the tone! (BEEP)
1. The Doctor's Answering Machine

_**Hello, this is the Doctor! I'm currently out closing rifts and fighting Zygons offscreen, so please leave a message at the tone!**_

_**(BEEP)**_

* * *

_Doctor! This is Martha Jones! What the hell have you done with my teleport?_

_(BEEP)_

_Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou Ro... oops, sorry, Doctor. Hit speed dial on accident. Umm... How's Rose doing?_

_(BEEP)_

_JACK, IT'S GWEN! THE WEEVILS ARE KILLING US! THE WEEVILS ARE... oh, sh*t. Wrong number._

_(BEEP)_

_Hey, Doctor! I just saw the season 4 finale where everyone was calling your number, so I called it as well! Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm, like, your biggest fan! Ever!_

_(BEEP)_

_**Doctor! Help me! I think Jack stole my... um... thing! It's TERRIBLY IMPORTANT! I NEED MY THING BACK!**_

_(BEEP)_

_Hey, Doc, you free on Saturday night? 'Cos-_

_**YOU'VE GOT MY THING!**_

_Uh... I gotta go..._

_(BEEP)_

_にほんご わ わかりませ！_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor, it's Buffy. Stop stealing my stakes!_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor! It's Rose! Help! The Whovians are after me!_

_(BEEP)_

_Nine, it's Eleven. Now, don't lie. I know you've got the sonic screwdriver. You have to stop stealing my- oops, wrong incarnation. I think this is the stupid one...?_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor! This is Sherlock! We need to make a Wholock episode, and NOW, because the fangirls keep bothering me about it!_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor, shh. I'm on a stakeout._

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor, this is Rose. Your clone's being stupid again! Make him stop! He keeps chasing me around with a giant feather- AhaAHAAHA STOPITDOCTOR!_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor! Doctor! Oops, sorry. I just felt like saying that._

_(BEEP)_

_This is Sarah Jane. Are we still doing the crossover on Wednesday?_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor! Guess what? Guess what? Tony chewed up the couch again- oops, wrong Doctor. Where's Tentoo?_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor, it's the TARDIS. I ship you and Rose! Ehehehe!_

_(BEEP)_

**_I STILL CAN'T FIND MY THING! I NEED MY THING BACK!_**

_(BEEP)_

_Oh, my God, Doctor! I FOUND AN M RATED DONNAxDOCTOR STORY! YUCK! Oh, this is Donna, by the way. BUT REALLY! YUCK!_

_(BEEP)_

_HA! I slept with Penny, Doctor Horrible! Who's going to... __Oops, wrong Doctor. Uh, sorry._

_(BEEP)_

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

_(BEEP)_

_DOCTOR! JACK HAD *befuddled*_

_(BEEP)_

_This is Cassandra. Can you tell someone to moisturize me, please?_

_(BEEP)_

_WE ARE THE DALEKS! WE DEMAND YOU STOP KILLING US, DOCTOR!_

_(BEEP)_

_Beep! Boop! Bloop! Bleep! Bleep bleep bloop bleep bloop! (Doctor, this is R2-D2! Have you seen my cousins recently?)_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor, this is Harry! Hermione won't stop using the Time-Turner!_

_(BEEP)_

_Doctor? This is Sarah Jane. My actress just died, I think. There goes my series._

_(BEEP)_

* * *

"Blimey," the Doctor mumbled, picking up his phone. "I'm very popular, aren't I?"

He began listening to them.


	2. The Doctor's Responses

"Blimey," the Doctor mumbled, picking up his phone. "I'm very popular, aren't I?"

He began listening to them.

_Doctor! This is Martha Jones! What the hell have you done with my teleport?_

"I... don't have your teleport," he responded.

_Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou Ro... oops, sorry, Doctor. Hit speed dial on accident. Umm... How's Rose doing?_

The Doctor sighed. "Juliet, stop calling me! I'm very busy, you know!"

Then, a slight pause.

"Isn't that the wrong time period for you, anyway?" he mumbled, pausing. "Oh. Have you been talking with Shakespeare's actor? I remember his agent called."

_JACK, IT'S GWEN! THE WEEVILS ARE KILLING US! THE WEEVILS ARE... oh, sh*t. Wrong number._

"What's a weevil...?" the Doctor mumbled.

_Hey, Doctor! I just saw the season 4 finale where everyone was calling your number, so I called it as well! Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm, like, your biggest fan! Ever!_

"Oh," the Doctor said, backing away from the answering machine. "Oh, oh no. They're back," he whispered. "The... the Whovians."

_**Doctor! Help me! I think Jack stole my... um... thing! It's TERRIBLY IMPORTANT! I NEED MY THING BACK!**_

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know what this... thing is?"

_Hey, Doc, you free on Saturday night? 'Cos-_

_**YOU'VE GOT MY THING!**_

_Uh... I gotta go..._

"Yeah," the Doctor mumbled. "Can I unhear that?"

_にほんご わ わかりませ！_

"...Is that Japanese?" the Doctor wondered.

_Doctor, it's Buffy. Stop stealing my stakes!_

"Well, you should stop killing things," he huffed. "It's not healthy."

_Doctor! It's Rose! Help! The Whovians are after me!_

"They found her!" the Doctor shrieked.

_Nine, it's Eleven. Now, don't lie. I know you've got the sonic screwdriver. You have to stop stealing my- oops, wrong incarnation. I think this is the stupid one...?_

"I," the Doctor huffed. "Am not stupid!"

_Doctor! This is Sherlock! We need to make a Wholock episode, and NOW, because the fangirls keep bothering me about it!_

"No joke," the Doctor mumbled.

_Doctor, shh. I'm on a stakeout._

The Doctor blinked. "I, uh, really hope that's a _steak_-out and not a stakeout. Although it's probably the latter."

_Doctor, this is Rose. Your clone's being stupid again! Make him stop! He keeps chasing me around with a giant feather- AhaAHAAHA STOPITDOCTOR!_

"Do I want to know what happened at the end of this message?"

_Doctor! Doctor! Oops, sorry. I just felt like saying that._

"Well," the Doctor said. "Who the heck was that?"

_This is Sarah Jane. Are we still doing the crossover on Wednesday?_

"Yeah, sorry, I'm awfully busy," he said.

_Doctor! Guess what? Guess what? Tony chewed up the couch again- oops, wrong Doctor. Where's Tentoo?_

"Jackie," he said, pressing his hands to his forehead. "You know, you really need to get your son a chewtoy. It's getting a bit ridiculous."

_Doctor, it's the TARDIS. I ship you and Rose! Ehehehe!_

"What- I'm not going to even ask," the Doctor said, finally.

**_I STILL CAN'T FIND MY THING! I NEED MY THING BACK!_**

(Message deleted)

_Oh, my God, Doctor! I FOUND AN M RATED DONNAxDOCTOR STORY! YUCK! Oh, this is Donna, by the way. BUT REALLY! YUCK!_

"So I'm not the first!" the Doctor said triumphantly. "I mean, uh... um... nothing!"

_HA! I slept with Penny, Doctor Horrible! Who's going to... __Oops, wrong Doctor. Uh, sorry._

"Go away, Captain Hammer," the Doctor told him. "This is not a crossover."

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

(Message deleted)

_DOCTOR! JACK HAD *befuddled*_

(Message deleted for rated-R-ness)

_This is Cassandra. Can you tell someone to moisturize me, please?_

"I would tell you to moisturize yourself, except you haven't got any arms."

_WE ARE THE DALEKS! WE DEMAND YOU STOP KILLING US, DOCTOR!_

(Message deleted)

_Beep! Boop! Bloop! Bleep! Bleep bleep bloop bleep bloop! (Doctor, this is R2-D2! Have you seen my cousins recently?)_

"I don't speak stupid," the Doctor said coldly.

_Doctor, this is Harry! Hermione won't stop using the Time-Turner!_

"So blow it up or something," the Doctor said. "Buffy's good at doing that, so you can go ask her for help."

_Doctor? This is Sarah Jane. My actress just died, I think. There goes my series._

"That's not fair!" the Doctor said. "Stop dying!"

* * *

Later that day, the Doctor flew over to the Medusa Cascade and threw Martha's phone into it.

* * *

_**Oh. I hope you enjoyed that. It was a lot of fun to write! XD**_

_**R&R, please! :D**_

_**P.S. That bit at the beginning with Shakespeare and the agent was a little tidbit from the Doctor Who Season 3 bloopers, where Shakespeare's actor's phone rang during the filming of an episode.**_


End file.
